The gym where I workout subscribes to the usual assortment of fitness
magazines. While drinking my protein shake I picked up the latest issue
(Nov 2001) of “Men’s Health”. “BOOST YOUR SEX APPEAL”, the teaser reads
on the front cover. My trainwreck fascination instantly took hold. I
opened to the table of contents:
“How to Impress a Woman – Take it from that gorgeous blonde at the bar
last night: You’ve got a few things to work on.”
“The Fertility Diet – Eat your way to a bigger family (and great sex,
too!)”
WHAT??! It looks like the breeders are taking over at “Men’s Health”. Not
that I will mourn the loss of a good magazine. No loss at all, actually.
When I started working out last year, it didn’t take me long to figure out
that MH was not worth much as a workout mag. No, you *can’t* have perfect
abs in just 4 weeks! The market competition among fitness magazines often
results in ridiculous claims on everyone’s front covers: PUT ON 50lbs OF
MUSCLE WHILE YOU SLEEP!
The allure of such articles is perfectly matched with the obsessive desire
of modern men (and women) to get something for nothing, to think they can
somehow cheat the system. There’s an old saying among con artists: You
can’t con an honest man. But I would hesitate to accuse MH of conning, or
their targeted readers of being dishonest. I think they’re just stupid.
I’m not sure I’ve ever met the prototypical MH reader. To be honest, I’m
not sure I ever want to meet him. Far from getting something for nothing,
these men seem to be killing themselves and getting nothing in return. MH
tries to guide them through their clueless, wretched lives by dishing out
advice on how to look and act.
The conceptual MH “man” must spend hours at the gym doing the latest
exercises. He shaves his chest. He dresses in the latest cool men’s
fashions. He knows how to eat right. His teeth are perfect. He drives
the right car. He gets that promotion at work. He gets the MH lifestyle
down to the letter. He has discovered his place in the world as a healthy
man.
And he STILL can’t seem to get laid.
Each issue of MH appears to have several articles on the subject. A visit
to the Men’s Health “bookstore” on the web reveals a curious number of
books on how to meet and fuck females. Is this really necessary? Surely
the smiling gentleman on this month’s front cover has no need for such
prosaic advice. So who are all these men that keep turning to MH and
asking, “Now what?” “OK, we’re in bed naked. She’s in my arms purring,
yielding. My dick is hard. Should I put it in?”
The current issue has the answer under the topic “Fatherhood”. The answer
is “Yes, put it in… AND IMPREGNATE HER, YOU SILLY FOOL!” Countless MH
readers have now tossed out the condoms and put “fatherhood” on their
calendars. The article’s title on page 82 says: “Want to be a dad, real
bad? Start cooking. Makes One Baby”
Here are the section headings in the article:
MAKE HER BREAKFAST IN BED
SNEAK IN A NOONER
SERVE DINNER FAMILY-STYLE
HAVE HER FOR DESSERT
Isn’t that noble? And the arousing photograph isn’t helping matters as I
hear the Siren’s seductive call.
Another article on page 114, also under the heading “Fatherhood”, compares
the fertility rates in different cities. Apparently Fresno has the
highest rate while Pittsburgh has the lowest. (This is because Fresno has
all those latinos and asians. Yes, it says that.) The article goes on:
“How men in Pittsburgh can catch up: Have sex – often. Then check your
medications.”
Woo hoo! I’m feeling more virile already. The message is clear,
fatherhood is about impregnating a hot babe. The ultimate sexual
fulfillment. After that, it’s back to the gym for those perfect abs.